How can sexual abuse as a boy affect getting close to others as a Gay or Bisexual Man?
Long-term effects of sexual abuse as a boy can include difficulties with anger, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, difficulty in trusting others, difficulties enjoying sex, and feelings of isolation, shame, and guilt. These impacts can make it difficult to connect emotionally with others. This is particularly problematic as emotionally close relationships are thought to be helpful in adult recovery from childhood abuse.
This brochure focuses on the effect of child sexual abuse on getting close to others.
What is child sexual abuse?
Child sexual abuse occurs when a child is used sexually by someone older.
It does not matter if the child fought it or if they became aroused.
It is not up to the child, but to the older person to understand how this
could affect the child.
How common is the sexual abuse of boys?
Canadian estimates of child sexual abuse of boys suggest that somewhere
between 1 in 10 and 1 in 4 men were sexually abused as children.
Are boys who later identify as gay or bisexual men more likely to be abused?
Several authors have suggested that boys abused by men are more likely
to identify as gay or bisexual as adults. Although abuse by a male can lead
to confused feelings about sexual orientation, it is not thought that sexual
orientation can actually be influenced by abuse.
Several authors believe that some boys, who later identify as gay or bisexual
men,
are a more likely target for abusers because these boys have a gentler temperament
and do not conform to sex-roles. Such characteristics can isolate them from
their
peer group, further increasing their vulnerability.
How might being sexually abused as a boy affect
getting close to others as a man?
Sexual abuse as a child can make a survivor very cautious when
interacting with others. As a child, being on guard became important
to survive. However focusing on the mood and actions of others,
and not on one's own feelings and needs, makes it harder to form
emotionally close relationships.
Abuse survivors often learn to protect themselves from further violations
of trust and safety by keeping distant from others. Unfortunately this distance
can prevent the communication necessary to build emotionally close relationships
with one's partner, friends or family. Difficulties in building and keeping
emotionally
satisfying relationships have been noted in studies on this topic and by
counselors
working with male survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Is emotional closeness especially challenging
for gay and bisexual men who were abused by a male?
Most often, men are taught to not pay attention to, or talk about, their
emotions.
The communication necessary for emotional closeness may, therefore, be a
greater challenge for all gay relationships. The issues of shame, isolation,
and
victimization, are difficult for both gay and heterosexual survivors of
childhood abuse.
Gay men must deal with these in both the context of being abused and in
accepting
being gay. When a survivor's partner is the same sex as his abuser, closeness
and
contact can be an especially powerful trigger of memories of the abuse.
How can I get closer to others?
As an abuse survivor you might both desire and fear emotional closeness.
It is important to be patient with yourself and move gradually towards
getting closer to others.
Counseling
Many abuse survivors seek individual or group counseling to better
understand how the abuse has affected them.
Therapy can decrease your sense of isolation and stigmatization.
It can encourage you to explore your feelings and experiences.
Self-awareness/ Self-affirmation
- To connect more with others:
talk about what it means to be masculine; - examine any fear or hatred of homosexuality that could impair caring relationships with other men or cause you to wrongly blame yourself (or your gayness) for having been abused;
- write in a personal journal; and,
- value your imperfections and affirm what you like about yourself.
Keep in mind that in order to survive the abuse you developed many strengths
-
strengths that you bring to relationships.
Where can I get help in the Ottawa region?
For referrals to therapists or to talk confidentially call the Gayline,
the peer counseling and information phone line of Pink Triangle Services
(613) 238-1717, 7-10 p.m. nightly.
For group therapy:
- The Men's Project. Y.M.C.A., Rick Goodwin, M.S.W. (613) 230-6179.
- L. Burnstein, M.S.W., C.S.W. and S. Arbuckle, M.S.W., C.S.W. (613) 730-1313.
Booklets: The Invisible Boy and When males have been sexually
abused: A guide
for adult male survivors. Family Violence Prevention Division, Health
Canada
(National Clearinghouse on Family Violence 1-800-267-1291).
Consult local bookstores and libraries for books on male survivors of abuse.
Pink Triangle Services is a social service agency for the lesbian, gay, and
bisexual
communities in the region. To inquire about our services contact us at: (613)
238-1717.